o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
