Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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