so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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