nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I need a burrito and a hug.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
