i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
