My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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