I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
