I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
