I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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