Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
