When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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