I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
