he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
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