I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
