i think my mom watched the whole time
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
