I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I think my moral compass just broke
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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