Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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