Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
