Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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