the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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