Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Dignity is for republicans.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
