Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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