He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
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Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
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Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
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