I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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