I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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