we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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