i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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