what day is it and did you see me today?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
