and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
