the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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