And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
