just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
