Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
