i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
