my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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