Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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