It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
