1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
