i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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