If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Randomize
