Im at strip club and am horny
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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