She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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