My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
