Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Need sex. Gaining weight.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
