it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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