Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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