Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
