I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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