she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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