You were right. It hurts to walk today.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
