all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
