she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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