Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
is wine microwaveable?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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