TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
