I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
