"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
