He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
