hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
