Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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