Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
